“Daddy, I will play with Yen-Yen”
With full utter innocence, she said that to me, while holding on to the little toy luggage that she brought along for the short car ride. ‘Yen-yen’ was the name of Elly’s childcare friend when she was still in Singapore. I was pretty surprised to hear that she actually remembered her friend; after all, Elly has already left Singapore for almost 3 years.
It was the end of my regular visit to Melbourne, and we were on our way to the train station to begin my journey back to Singapore. Elly, just like the few times I was about to depart, said she wanted to follow me back. Usually, she will change her mind when I leave the car; but that day, she was a little different. She unbuckled her seat belt and was determined to follow me to the train platform. Hence, I asked again “Elly, what are you going to do in Singapore if you follow daddy there?”
“Daddy, I will play with Yen-Yen”, she said again.
A part of me knew that it will either be a quick turnaround of decision or it will be one of the most painful goodbyes ever. It was the latter.
Elly dragged her little luggage all the way to the platform and when the train arrived, my wife had to grab hold of her as she screamed and struggled to follow me onto the train while crying her hearts out and shouting…
“Daddy, don’t go, daddy, please don’t go daddy, I want to follow daddy, don’t go daddy……..”
As you can imagine, it was quite a scene and as the train door closed and started to move; everyone in the train was staring me. I decided to just close my eyes and shut myself from everyone around me. She would later call me while I was on flight via Whatsapp, continued to ask me “Daddy, why do you have to go? I want you daddy”, all the while while crying her hearts out.
I could only listen, for I had no answer.
That happened at the 3-year mark of my regular shuttling between Singapore and Melbourne. In the earlier years, Elly was at the age where she required afternoon nap and hence, it was easy for me to just ‘disappear’. As the years passed, those Houdini acts became “Bye daddy, see you soon”… to silence as I leave the car… “Elly, daddy will buy you ice cream today, don’t cry later ok?”… to holding onto my hand while she teared… to grabbing my clothes and begging me to stay …. to more crying… and to the “Daddy, I will play with Yen-Yen” episode.
That was not all. Questions began to come thick and fast as she became of age.
“Daddy, how long are you staying this time?” “Daddy, how long is 2 weeks? How many days is that?” “Daddy, why do you have to work in Singapore?” “Daddy, are you leaving tomorrow?” and the ultimate question was when she handed me a crumbled piece of paper and said…
“Daddy, here is a letter to your boss, can you stay another day?”
It will take another approximately 2 years before I finally stopped breaking my daughter’s heart and made the permanent move. It has been a move that has carried a heavy load of uncertainties.
Often times we made decisions in the past, decisions that we are so sure of during that very moment, only to go back and question them when life’s trajectory did not turn out in the manner in which we anticipated it to be. We have all been there.
My friends were all telling me that they cannot wait to read about all the happy memories that I am building here. However, I am penning down these thoughts to remind myself of why I decided to come here in the first place. We ought to do that sometimes, remind ourselves of why we make certain decisions in our lives, for we are all vulnerable to the natural onslaught of failing memories; particularly when the going gets tough.
As for me, I am just so glad that the painful goodbyes are over, and that I no longer need to answer those dreadful questions that used to render upon me again and again by an innocent child.
For now, I consider it pure gift to be able to utter these words everyday…
“Goodnight Elly, see you tomorrow”
